Brill Building: I don't have much in my life but take it, it's yours

I don't have much in my life but take it, it's yours

I really don't know why I'm writing this post other than for the cathartic benefit. But I feel I should post something. Really it's a post about why I don't feel like posting, which sounds awful (and probably is). This is a post about how I don't feel like doing much of anything. It heads into some disturbing personal territory so if you're expecting some easy reading (which you should most of the time you're reading blogs) I can tell you right now this isn't it.

I remarked in last week's post (Christ, one post for the week...great way to renew a blogging career) how I was feeling depressed coming up back from Southern California. I always do. Being surrounded by sunshine and people who are easily pleased fills me with great discomfort, so you can imagine how much fun I had growing up there. But I was feeling bad before I flew into Burbank airport and having a week back in San Francisco hasn't made me feel any better. I've had this sullen feeling leading to great inactivity on my part.

I quit my day job a few weeks ago without lining up a new job, although I did save up some money before I quit. Last week I should have been doing everything to find a new job. I've done a bit of that but not nearly as much as I should have. Considering that I have all day free I should have gone after a ton of potential new employers. Instead I sent my resume out to a few parties who posted on Craigslist. I couldn't even get it together to contact a temp agency. I don't want to work. I don't want to write cover letters and never hear back from people. Up until recently I wrote songs but now I don't even want to do that. I don't want to create any kind of output. I just want to numb myself. Hours will go by where I just watch shitty TV, go to dumb websites (I was up until 1:00 a.m. last night looking for a website that featured the funniest moments from the game show Break the Bank if you can believe that). I was drinking pretty heavily but my worries over money has stopped me from buying anymore booze. Now I'm just drowning in the light of my television and laptop screens.

I can pinpoint exactly when this malaise started. I don't want to be specific becuase it's none of your business and I don't want to embarrass anyone (except myself apparently). Someone I care a lot for said something which objectively was fairly unremarkable. She hasn't done anything wrong, either in her actions or in what she said. But my reaction to some information she revealed opened up a Pandora's Box inside my mind, except I'm still waiting for the dove of Hope to show up. When I awoke the next day I didn't get out of bed but just stayed there and contemplated this dread I was feeling. I was feeling dread for my future, in both my professional and personal lives. While suffering from one of the extremely painful headaches I tend to get due to poor posture and minor scoliosis I could just see that my entire post-graduate life will only yield disappointment. It was the chronological inversion of the man on his death bed looking back at his regrets in life. I was predicting all the heartache and sadness I will feel as I grow older. I saw myself entering into relationships taken for a fear of loneliness than any genuine affection. I saw myself stewing in resentment becuase all the jobs I wanted are taken by people smarter and better than me (y'know, the people who should have them) while I tried to do the best I can with a useless degree in English Literature. I eventually got myself out of bed but ever since then I've still kept this hurt that prevents me for gaining the enthusiasm for any kind of self improvement. I feel more and more like a fraud when I interact with other people. Maybe that's why I'm posting this. It's the first time where I can feel sort of honest.

As far back as I can remember my mind has had the habit of coming up with these grotesque extrapolations that thrust me into despair. I thought it would be something that would taper off as I grew older. Instead what seems to have happened is that as the stakes have gotten higher these fantasies that I create affect me more. I call them fantasies but it's only when I'm at my most depressed that I feel the most authentic, if that makes any sense. It's to the point where I'm honestly starting to worry that this might be chemical imbalance that I'm suffering from. The more my life is in my own hands the more likely it is I will just submit to the worst impulses that this state of mind brings me. I don't want to sound alarmist or overly dramatic but when my mind goes down this path I do think about the concept of suicide. I just want so much to stop everything. I feel like my brain is a virus and I am becoming sicker and sicker every time I think of a new way to consider how miserable my life is. I just want to get rid of that virus. Not that I think I am capable of killing myself. There is a major leap from thinking about it to doing it, which I suppose is a grand understatement. But if honesty is what I'm going for here than I have to admit the that more and more the idea of immolation walks beside me as I make circles in my mind.

A good amount of words and I still have no idea if publishing this post will accomplish anything. I'm writing this on the evening of a Saturday where I did absolutely nothing worthwhile. I might as well have been a corpse for all the difference I made in the world. I shut off comments for this post becuase I don't want to appear to be fishing for easy sentiments like "cheer up, sonny." If you have anything to say to me I welcome all advice. It's obvious I need it. You can e-mail me and this conversation shall continue in privacy. I don't want to feel this way but I cannot imagine not feeling this way.

It's been two days since I drafted this post and I've come back to it a few times. Just writing this has made me feel a little better. I do worry what the reactions to this post could be. Any potential employers can read this. If you are rest assured, I can hide my actual feelings in the workplace through a strong combination of polities and productivity (which could be the case for most people in offices around the country). I'm just tired of keeping these sentiments inside.

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