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Wednesday, December 05, 2007
One more try
Thanks to those who sent kind words and messages of hope responding to my last post. My thoughts of depression have transformed into frustration, which I suppose is a bit like when you here a species of rare bird has moved off of the endangered list and is now only considered "very close to endangered." The act of sending out e-mail after e-mail to faceless HR people and never hearing back from them is just a deadening experience. I try to speak to people on the phone or in person and all I hear is "send an e-mail, send an e-mail." I'd rather they be honest with me and just tell me to fuck off.
The rejection just makes me want to work harder, though. I want to write more, cover more stories and cooperate with new people. You'll certainly see more from me at Publishers Weekly Comics Week (link is to your left there). I just hate the fact that having the ability to write is so undervalued becuase I love to do it. You'd have to love it if you endeavored into the foolish act of making it a career.
This Orson Welles quote resonates with me: "I think I'm... I made essentially a mistake staying in movies, because I... but it... it's the mistake I can't regret because it's like saying 'I shouldn't have stayed married to that woman, but I did because I love her.' I would have been more successful if I'd left movies immediately. Stayed in the theater, gone into politics, written-- anything. I've wasted the greater part of my life looking for money, and trying to get along... trying to make my work from this terribly expensive paint box which is an... a movie. And I've spent too much energy on things that have nothing to do with a movie. It's about two percent movie making and 98% hustling. It's no way to spend a life." Make that 99% hustling is you're a freelancer. But that's what I'll do. That's what this is. Blogging is a hustle, it gets your name out there. Someone will see me and be impressed. They'll have to becuase I actually am pretty damn good.
The personal stuff? That's still up in the air. Unfortunately it's sometimes quite a while before I see friends again becuase I'll phone people up or e-mail them but everyone's dance card is already full. That is if I get any reply at all. I suppose I've been getting the freeze out my whole life, first from friends and then from potential employers. I worry that there's something about me that just makes people want to avoid me. Then I'll hear that a friend of couldn't get back to me becuase he/she had to deal with a family emergency or a ton of work. That's when I feel like a schmuck for thinking that world revolves around me.
To tie this back into comics it was actually two comic creators that inspired that last post. Ivan Brunetti's work that has been collected in the recent Misery Loves Company rings very true to me. It's basically the be-all end-all of neurotic autobiographical comics. Brunetti rips into all the fear and anger he has had with his life. It actually hurt for me to read it when I first discovered the work as Schizo but that's becuase I recognized so much of myself in it. I actually had the opportunity to speak to Brunetti when I interviewed him for PW about Misery. He's found that applying oneself to external factors helps deal with the pain. You'll notice that a lot of Brunetti's work now is about profiling other people. It's a way to avoid entering into that whirlpool of an obsessive mind.
The other creator who I feel a sort of kinship with, which is an odd thing to write but that's how I feel, is Steve Gerber. It's still amazing how personal and introspective he got writing for Marvel in the '70s. There's one issue of Man-Thing in particular where the story stops so this one character, tormented by demons representing all different facets of modern society, airs out his grievances in a poem. It's about working in advertising, which I know Gerber did before he wrote for comics. It's pretty obvious reading that section that Gerber is drawing on something inside himself. He has an anger towards a society based around money and immediate results. I think most creative people do because it's hard to find a place in a world like that.
That won't stop me, though. Let's gleam some inspiration from England's newest hitmakers, The Rolling Stones:
You need some money in a hurry
But things ain't right
You try to beg and borrow maybe start a fight
Your friends don't wanna know you they just pass you by
So they couldn't be your friends because they wouldn't lie
Sit down shut up don't dare to cry
Things will get better if you really try
So don't ya panic don't ya panic
Give it one more try
Don't ya panic don't ya panic
Give it one more try
Thanks Mick!
Permanent Link: 2:17 PM |
3 comments
Comments:
stay tough, ian. its a long road that most people have taken, but in the end, it makes for a good story.
# posted by DavePress : 7:33 PM
I'm glad you're on your way back. Depression is a harsh mistress, but surmountable.
# posted by Ken Lowery : 8:06 AM
God, I'm glad, Ian. Keep on pushing.
# posted by AaronM : 10:36 AM
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